Submitted by Matt Howard
Youth Service Bureau

Growing up is hard enough as it is, but itís even harder when your family doesnít offer you a healthy place to develop a sense of who you are as a person. Parents who have addictions and compulsions can create a dysfunctional atmosphere for their family. These could be chemical related or they could be things such as mental and emotional imbalances and health conditions.

Whatever the root cause is in the family, a system of hidden rules gets set up and children learn to see themselves in very specific ways in order to fit in to these families. Some of these rules may include:

Itís not okay to talk about or express our feelings openly
Donít address issues or relationships directly

Keep the family problems secret

Itís not okay to play and be spontaneous

Donít rock the boat

Take care of Mom and Dadís needs first

Controlling or being controlled are the only ways to relate to each other

If you fail or make a mistake you are a bad person

These rules discourage open and honest communication between family members. They put down and minimize each individualís feelings. Family members become ineffective at relating to each other and as a result have trouble with relating to people outside their family as well. These rules teach family members that being perfect is more important than being real. Their real self is no longer acceptable and gradually they deny their real selves and develop false selves to try and survive.

There are four basic roles that children adopt in order to survive growing up in emotionally dishonest, shame-based, dysfunctional family systems: hero, scapegoat, caretaker and lost child, (Robert Burney M.A.).

ï The hero child takes on a parent role at a very young age. These kids become overly responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They excel at most things and tend to make the parents feel that they are good parents and good people. Later in life, heroes may have a tendency to be rigid and controlling. They judge others and themselves because they may feel inadequate and insecure about themselves.

ï The scapegoat child learns to get attention by acting out in negative ways. The family generally feels ashamed of them and blames them for things that go wrong. They act out the tension and anger that the family ignores. Later in life they can become very distrustful of people and because they have a lot of self-hatred can have a tendency to be very self-destructive.

ï The caretaker child takes on the responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They can become the family social director and clown in hopes of directing the familyís attention away from the real problems. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they donít know how to get their own needs met. Later in life they may become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They may struggle with low self-worth and get into relationships where they need to ìsaveî the other person.

ïThe lost child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They may deny that they have any feelings at all. Later in life, they may become terrified of intimacy and often avoid relationships altogether in an attempt to keep from getting hurt.

Survival is the name of the game in dysfunctional families. Childrenís natural personalities get melded into these different roles and it becomes difficult for them to have a clear understanding of who they really are apart from their familyís issues. The rules of dysfunctional families do not allow members to take care of themselves. They end up sacrificing personal needs for the needs of others in the family system.

Getting help and getting better for children of dysfunctional families means learning how to take care of themselves and becoming their own person. Through counseling, twelve-step groups like Codependents Anonymous, Al-Anon and faith communities people can learn to reclaim their identity apart from the issues of their family.

Even small things like identifying feelings, learning to say no to people and mastering a new skill can go a long way towards helping to improve their self-image.

There is hope for children who have grown up in a dysfunctional family. They can learn to live a life free from obsessions and compulsive behavior. They can learn to quit controlling and being controlled by others. They can learn to take good care of themselves and others. It takes work, but reaching out for help with these issues will pay off for many generations to come.

Youth Service Bureau (YSB) is a non-profit organization, serving residents of Chisago, portions of Washington and Anoka counties.

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