Don’t Stop The Presses – column name conundrum

By Derrick Knutson, associate editor 

A few weeks ago, my editor, MaryHelen, prompted me to come up with a title for my column. She’s got “Sunday Night” and “Here’s The Thing.”

As of the start of this column, I’ve got nothing.

I thought coming up with a title for the random jumble of thoughts I occasionally throw together in the form of a column would be a fairly simple affair, but it’s proven to be more difficult than I had imagined.

The problem? I’m stuck on how I’m going to settle on two to four words that at least somewhat encompass the gist of my thoughts. Through the process of writing this column, I plan to come up with a title for it and future columns, however difficult that might be.

When I first started seriously thinking about this task, I contemplated combining my name with a word or phrase for the title. Here’s a few possibilities I was thinking of: “RiDerrickulous,” “The Derrection,” or perhaps, “Derr it is.”

Then I remembered how much it bothers me that gigantic and enormous were molded into “ginormous” in the most recent version of the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, so I nixed that idea.

Next, I thought perhaps I’d pay homage to Jack Handey by naming my column “Kind of Deep Thoughts.”

For those of you unfamiliar with Handey’s work, he wrote “Deep Thoughts,” a collection of odd, most of the time comical one-liners that appeared on Saturday Night Live throughout the 1990s.

I’ve been a fan of his surrealistic quotes for a while, and I, not unlike Handey, have some strange thoughts float through my mind from time to time.

Here’s one of my favorite quotes by Handey: “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

My title was a bit too close to copyright infringement for my taste, though, so I put that one to rest also.

Well, I’m now nearing the end of this column, so I better come up with something.

How about, “Thoughts I’m thinking when I think them”?

Hmmm…it’s too long and I don’t care for how many times the letter t shows up in that title.

Maybe “My Column” would suffice.

C’mon, Derrick, you’re a more creative writer than that.

All right, I’m settling on “Opine Time.”

No I’m not. Dang it!

OK, here’s the final title: Don’t Stop The Presses.

Very newsy, I know.

Honestly, I settled on this because I hope the presses never stop, because if they do all of us in the news biz who don’t have any semblance of math skills would be out of work.

If I had to rely on my mathematical prowess for employment, I would be relegated to a profession that only involves remedial adding, such as a cattle counter, if such a thing exists.

Thankfully, I’m able to write for a living, so I don’t have to get all worked up about counting cows at any time in the near future.

Don’t Stop The Presses … I’m starting to like the sound of that title.

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