Where’s chainsaw, steak and sports day?

Derrick Knutson
Derrick Knutson

I love my wife and I’m sure we’ll have a good Valentine’s Day.

But with this “holiday” nearing, I got to thinking about there being no man equivalent to Valentine’s Day.

I’ll come right out and say it: Valentine’s Day is a day for the ladies (shocking assertion, I know).

They get flowers, cards, candy, a nice dinner and other luxuries on this day.

Men get them all these things.

Jon Tatting, my coworker, recently raised a good point: “There should be chainsaw day (for men).

I threw in, “And steak.”

Sports should also somehow be involved.

Men out there: just think of how awesome of a day this would be.

Men observing this holiday would start out the day sleeping until at least 10 a.m., and there would be awesome sporting events scheduled to be televised all day long.

A March Madness-like basketball tournament would be on, an NFL football game would be on the docket, even if the day were to be in July, and hockey games would be scheduled to appease the northern men.

After we got our fill of lounging and sport watching, the chainsaw part of the day would take center stage.

There would be areas in every city across the globe for men to test chainsaws.

We’d saw boards and trees, and the artistic men among us would make some of those trees into carvings of our favorite sports idols.

“Oh, that dere tree looks just like Wayne Gretzky, dontcha think?” would be a phrase commonly heard at chainsaw gatherings in the northland.

After we’d had our fill of slicing through things with high-powered chainsaws, the day would be capped off with the consuming of delicious steak.

There would be no skimping on this part of the day; every man would get a New York strip steak, filet mignon or other steak of superb quality.

The worldwide beef supply would probably be adversely affected by the steak consumption, but probably no more so than when McDonalds releases the McRib.

After the nearly unfathomable amount of steak is down the gullets of men worldwide, an optional nap would ensue.

Most men would take advantage of this rest period, and awake refreshed a few hours later to watch more sports in the evening.

During the evening sports viewing, bodily noises like burps, throat clearing and loud sighs of contentment would be encouraged.

Men, if you or any of your buddies think Chainsaw, Steak and Sports Day (I’m capitalizing it in hope it will become real) should be created, get organized and create a petition.

Enough signatures can do just about anything.

I know I’ll sign.

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