My bracket is busted

Derrick Knutson
Derrick Knutson

I filled out my NCAA March Madness bracket in about 10 minutes.

Perhaps I should have done a little research before making my picks. The Diane Chambers method of selecting teams based on the most alluring state bird or flower apparently has not worked for me.

I’m currently ranked second from the bottom in my office pool.

I’ve been a basketball fan since fourth grade, but I guess that fact isn’t enough to bring me to the March Madness Promised Land.

I picked Gonzaga to win it all. They lost in the second round.

I picked UCLA over the hometown Gophers.  Astoundingly, that “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” of a basketball team bested the Bruins. The rest of my bracket yields similar results.

Even though I’m a basketball fan, I’ll admit my college basketball knowledge is somewhat lacking.

I don’t have the TV package or the time to watch enough college basketball in order to make informed decisions when March Madness time comes around.

If I’ve got some time, maybe I’ll do a little bit of Internet research, but usually I just pick based on gut feeling and perhaps jersey color. This method had worked for me twice, but I might have to rethink my picking practice after this year’s lackluster results.

There must be some foolproof method out there that allows a person to pick a perfect bracket.

The chances of drafting an unblemished bracket are slim. According to a National Public Radio article, the odds are 147 quintillion to one. Here’s what that number looks like as a figure: 147,000,000,000,000,000,000.

I think a person’s chances of winning a $400 million Powerball jackpot, discovering the cure for cancer and winning a Nobel Prize, all in the same day, are more likely.

But there must be some kind of proactive approach I can take to improve my results next year.

I was thinking of calling Miss Cleo—that “Jamaican” fortuneteller—for help with my picks, but then I found out her telephone hotline went defunct in 2003.

Next option: Bribe the referees to get the results I want.

Wait, I am a community journalist and subsequently not rich. Strike that idea.

Maybe I could devise some sort of mathematical formula that could predict the winners of the tournament games. As soon as I figure out how to balance my checkbook, I’ll get right on that.

All right, maybe there’s no steadfast way to win one’s NCAA pool, so maybe I should just stick with that “gut feeling” type of guessing. I did, after all, pick the Butler Bulldogs to make it to the national championship game in 2010 and 2011.

My reasoning for those picks: bulldogs are tough, so the basketball team with the same moniker should be, also.

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