I think it’s a year for unique New Year’s resolutions

Derrick Knutson
Derrick Knutson

I once heard someone say he was going to take up smoking cigarettes as his New Year’s resolution so he had the following year’s resolution covered: quit smoking cigarettes.

Now that’s planning ahead.

Granted, starting a bad habit as a New Year’s resolution probably isn’t the greatest idea, but I have to give this fellow credit for being a bit different.

There are apparently quite a few people who make New Year’s resolutions — at least the media makes it seem that way with its coverage of the fad around this time of year.

After a couple of Internet searches, I ascertained the following are some of the most common:

• Lose weight.

• Be nicer to people.

• Reduce debt.

• Quit smoking cigarettes (especially if you started smoking the prior year as your resolution).

• Get a better education.

These are all fine resolutions, but they’re all, well … blah.

These are the type of resolutions that are made by multitudes of people, and, quite frankly, I think they’re boring and overly broad.

Lose how much weight? Be nicer to everyone or just a select group of people you were mean to last year? Pare down that credit card debt from $100,000 to $90,000, or pay off the whole lump sum? Quit smoking cigarettes and switch to a pipe, or never light up again? Brush up on your trivia so you can watch “Jeopardy!” and answer more than one out of every 15 questions, or enroll in a university and get a doctorate in applied physics?

I’ve never been a New Year’s resolution type of person, but in the rest of this column I’m going to come up with some fanciful resolutions and pick one to attempt this year.

So here we go:

• Go out into the wilderness and shoot a turkey, duck and a chicken, and make my own turducken.

• Get my wife to knit me a pair of pants. She knits scarves and hats all the time, so why not pants?

• Learn how to ask, “Where is the nearest store that sells Hot Pockets?” in five languages.

• Lobby the top grammarians in the world to replace the period with the winking emoticon;)

• Buy a lime green minibus from the early 1970s and trick it out with a lift kit and mudder tires.

All right, now that I’ve come up with these exemplary New Year’s resolutions, it’s time to pick one.

Humph. I can’t choose. I guess this means there will be two possible outcomes: Like most years, I just won’t make a New Year’s resolution. Or you’ll be seeing me driving around town in my jacked-up minibus, toting a couple of hunting rifles, wearing knit pants that make me sweat profusely and flagging down motorists to ask them, “Dove si trova il negozio piú vicino che vende tasche calde?” — this is the Hot Pocket question in Italian, according to Google Translate.

If I find someone who speaks Italian, I’ll have one more question for him or her: “Che é il top grammatico in Italia?” That is: “Who is Italy’s top grammarian?”

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